do i really let others control my happiness? i dont know. it seems like a fact to me now. am i really all that clingy? im happy when others are down. and when everything seems to be going great for others, im upset. maybe i think too much of myself, but it seems everytime im happy for prolonged periods, more people come to me with their sob stories. then i feel bad for being all happy. not that i mind, or that i want others to be sad while im happy. its just that, for once, cant we all be happy?
not to say that im depressed and suicidal. its all rather stupid, actually. but live life each day as it comes. if you're gonna die, then you're gonna die. not like you have much choice. yea, it may be sad and all cause you havnt lived your full life and explored everything you want. but i repeat again. not like you have much choice. so why fear death. i know my parents do. they dont want to die. they think dying is bad. you can tell by their defensive attitude. adults, and yet, still kids.
im really glad that hardly no one reads this blog. can tell by the way the counter hardly jumps. the only constant reader i know is michael. dont really care about the others. im an open book. everyone knows that. good or bad, i dont really know. im way past caring. it feels better to have all these stuff out in the open. but what they say, letting your guard down and showing your insecurities is just another give away point for your enemys to attack.
im not bulletproof. none of us are. your mask may be bulletproof. but you know them protective vests, the impact still hurts you. but you'll get up again. this whole thing is affecting me worse than i want to, and i just refuse to let myself recover. who am i deluding? no one but myself. its taking over, and like a sickness you dont want to recover from, its getting worse. another name would be escapism.
really need to start studying for promos. there's no drive, no motivation. no reason for me to promote. you tell me, to go on to the next year, take your a levels. but, im going, so what? i cant imagine myself doing a's. and what would come after that? i dont know. can i just pull out my hair? its fustrating. i dont even want to study at all. totally dont care attitude.
im diverging. the reason why i set up this blog last year was so i could have a safe place to store my random thoughts. like when i thought of cool words or interesting words hidden somewhere in my vocabulary, i would be able to jot them down. turns out, this has become a blog for my emotions. with love struck and depressive poems/wannabe poems. it reeks of desperation. and you can smell it miles away.

im out of here. drop me a note, so i know someone cares.